Psalm 139:14

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I came across this verse today and I just kept rereading it.

How can I praise Him for how He created me because I feel so flawed, overlooked, unimportant, small, little, not enough, etc?

My God time this morning was an accumulation of many things the Lord has been impressing on my heart the past few days.  

It began with my IF table dinner this past Sunday.  There are six of us women that gather together to eat dinner and to talk about our relationships with the Lord.  I truly look forward to this time every month, but I am also a bit hesitant.  I know that the time I spend with these women is going to be fun and entertaining, and an escape from the duties of mom and wife!  But it is also a time of reflection and intimate conversation.  It is the intimacy that scares me.  In fact, I don't like to tell others the intimate details of who I am or how I feel.  I am great at making conversation with others as long as it remains at surface level or a little bit below.  When asked deep questions I find myself baffled because I don't really know how to answer them. As a christian, I know this  the exact opposite of what the Lord wants me to be.  I know that the saying "Your relationship with God should be personal, not private" is true, BUT my goodness that is so hard for me.  I am not good at verbal communication in general, much less communicating about the most special and meaningful part of who I am.
 
So, this past Sunday when I was asked how my relationship with the Lord was going, the only word that came to my mouth was stagnant.  I measured my relationship by how much time I had been in the word, my "quiet time".  The truth is...God is always speaking to me and I don't feel like I can measure it.  Do I feel close to Him?...at times.  Do I feel far away from Him?....at times.  Do I have hard time trying to figure out what He is telling me?...sometimes.  So is my relationship really stagnant?....NO..Is it unique and hard to describe?...YES.  Does this make me flawed that I have a hard time communicating with others my relationship with the Lord??  I don't know.  Am I flawed that I don't like telling others about a relationship that is so special to me??? 

If this verse in Psalms is true, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made....why did God create me to be someone who is not good at verbal communication or doesn't enjoy sharing the intimate details of my relationship with Him?  Or did God not create me to be this way at all......is it that over time I have become guarded because of sin or have been misguided by others?

Ecclesiastes 11: 5 "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Makers of all things."
 
This is only one of the things the Lord has been speaking to me about this week.  I feel like I have lived a life time of trying to figure out who I am.....my traits, qualities, what makes me tick.  It is hard when you are related to so many amazing people and you hope that you have some of their same qualities, only to figure out that you are actually far from it.  My sisters are both very funny and loud and can entertain a room.......nope don't have these qualities, unfortunately.  My husband and sister are great at communicating....nope don't have that quality either.  I even try to pretend sometimes that I have the same spiritual gifts as they do or that of my husband, but NOPE.  I am unique in that way as well.  What are my spiritual gits....

Administration: task oriented, concerned with details
Serving: love to help out, does not need spotlight
Giving: good steward, cheerfully and joyfully give

Yes, I took a test on Sunday after leaving the IF dinner feeling incompetent.

You see the thing I have learned most thru this whole revelation is that I am not like my sisters, not like the other women at my IF table, not like my BFF.  God has definitely created me unlike them so why don't I try to start living my life not in comparison to others but trying to figure out how GOD wants to USE ME.  How can MY spiritual gifts be used?  If I don't like to communicate verbally...how can I tell others how the Lord is working on me and in me??   Yep.......I guess this is how this blog entry came about.  Maybe only 1 person will read this...probably someone I am related to....but at least I am sharing what the Lord is doing in me.  :)

I also read Ecclesiastes 3 today....thank you Holly for teaching me to invite the Holy Spirit in to my quiet time...it does make a HUGE difference!

Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.


This is my time to embrace who I really am, what my spiritual gifts really are,praise the Lord for who He created me to be.  This is my time to speak and not be silent about the Lord's work in my life, a time to search for how He wants to use me in the church and to give up on trying to be who others, even myself, think I SHOULD be.

Thanks for reading....sorry it was long and maybe a bit confusing.  I hope the Lord speaks to you today in some way, because when He does it is amazing!