I don't know really why I am writing this blog entry other than the fact that I feel I need to get things off of my heavy heart. I know that the only people that follow my blog are my family and maybe a few friends....so I think it will be alright if I unload here. :) Luck you!
I am slowly reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan with my husband. If you have ever read this book you know it is not an easy book to read and if you haven't read it then I highly encourage you do. I have never in my life read a book that is so hard to read yet had so much clarity about God and how He wants us to truly live.
I feel like I have spent 26 years of my life living in a way that was satisfying to God. I grew up in a christian home, spent time reading my bible, never really committed any "big" sins, went to church, was involved in church, etc. And yet never really feeling satisfied, never feeling like I was super close to God. I envied people that you could see God's joy and love in, those women that would talk of Him beaming with happiness and love. (And yes I am tearing up right now trying to hold back the sobs because it is hard to confess such deep, embarrassing secrets.) But I finally figured out what is missing in my life, why I don't talk as those women do-I haven't loved God with my whole heart. I have said I have and that I try to, but that's simply not true. I have spent 26 years of my life giving God the leftovers. I have spent my time as I have pleased, I have been involved in things that I wanted to be involved in, I have been comfortable. "Obviously, its not what you advertise that counts; its what you are really made of." (FC) I have sadly been lukewarm. I have spent my time trying to please the people around me-family, friends, and husband, instead of pleasing my Savior. As Francis Chan says "I have tacked Him onto my life." Isn't it sadly ironic that I live my life trying to please everyone BUT my Creator, my Savior, the one who loves me the most, who knows me better that anyone else, who decides my eternity. Why do I do this?? I do this because my heart and my mind are not focused on Him constantly. I do this because I let "life" get in the way of spending time with Him. "Let's stop calling it a 'busy schedule', or 'bills' or 'forgetfulness'. It's called evil." (FC) How much of my day do I spend with Him? How much of my time do I spend showing Him my love by loving others? "God's definition of what matters is pretty straightforward. He measures our lives by how we love." (FC)
I think I have spent much of my spiritual life basing my decisions and actions on feelings. Do I feel close to God? Do I feel loved by Him? God doesn't need me to feel close to Him in order to carry out His commandments. He doesn't need me to feel His love because I KNOW it is there. He has told me over and over again in scripture, so why spend the time and energy questioning it? I need to obey Him, whether I feel like it or not. A life with the Lord is not meant to be easy or comfortable, it is about surrendering.
As I am typing this I hope you know that I am preaching to myself and not anyone else. There are many people in my life that have told me about their revelations with God about all of these things and more, and yes God was tugging at my heart during those times, but I feel like God is really revealing that to me today in my God (I have decided to omit the word quiet time because it seems so soothing and calm, most of my God times are not so calm, hence replacing it) time.
So what do I walk away with...what has God told me today. Quit being a hypocrite. Committ yourself whole heartedly to Me. Quit filling your time with things that don't matter. Love-love Me, love My children. How do you show love? "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends....faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13
My prayer today is that I not forget what God has revealed to me today. That tomorrow I don't go about my day the same way that I have gone about them for the past 26 years. That is my fear.
Please pray for me that I not continue to be the lukewarm person that I am today, that I begin to swim up stream regardless of those around me who are floating down stream.
(Sorry I am not going to read back through this because I know my personatlity a litte too well-I will read and reread and edit and correct and delete. I will second quess what I have written and rethink exposing myself-so sorry if there are a lot of mistakes-grammatically and/or spelling!)
